I was challenged by a friend named Kristy to do the Write or Die challenge. For those of you who do not know what it is, its a site where you have a certain about of time to write as much words during a certain about of time, 30, 60 to 90 minutes. We did the 60 minute challenge and though I lost (I came in second, nah, nah Franny! LOL) I wrote a cute little story in honor of my husband. I called it the Ogre. I read it to him and he thought it was cute. Hope you enjoy it.
Once upon a time there lived a girl who was married to an ogre. Said ogre commanded she keep the house clean, dresser full of clean clothes and food on the table when he came back from terrorizing the village (didn’t matter if it was cooked or not, as long as it was on the table). So the girl slaved all day, scrubbing the slime from under the toilet (the ogre had a terrible aim), shooing the ants out of the bed (ogres eat crackers in bed) and keeping the rats from chewing the butt out of the ogre’s underwear (why they would want to do that was beyond her, after all she had seen what underwear looked like).
Well, one day after trapping a deer in the woods with nothing but tooth floss and a martini stir stick (she was very ingenious after being married to the ogre) a handsome prince came along, riding his amazingly white stallion. The Prince trotted up next to the girl as she was tugging the deer through the woods and while she was trying to avoid the deer’s kicking hooves he pulled his horse up in front of her.
“Well hello there.” He smiled his breath takingly brilliant white smile (‘ching, ching’ was heard as his lips parted to reveal perfectly straight teeth). “So what brings such a lovely lass out here in the woods in the middle of the day?”
Wiping the sweat beading on her forehead from the strenuous work (for lugging struggling deer’s wasn’t easy) she spared a brief glance up at him before she continued on her way, sparing only a grunt as she moved around him.
Not taking the hint the Prince moved his horse to once again try and block her path.
“Perhaps you don’t recognize me.” His smile widened, growing even more brilliant as harp music and the vocals of opera singers filled the air. “I’m the Prince. My mother rules this land.”
The girl shot him a glare as she started around him, then swore under her breath as the deer managed to clock her under the chin with a hoof. Glancing at her watch she tightened the tooth floss around the deer’s legs, trying to keep the struggling beast from striking her again.
“Good for you.” She grumbled, knowing if she was late her husband the ogre would rant and rave and never let her forget she didn’t have dinner on time.
“Yes,” the Prince said. “It is good for me. And good for you too for I am currently on the search for a fair maiden to be my bride.”
“Good luck.” she mumbled under her breath as she struggled to pull the deer farther up her shoulder and bent over to carry its weight. The deer bleated, tossing the Prince an irritated glared at not noticing its predictiment.
“Well, I’ve interviewed over two thousand and ninety four fair maidens and so far not one of them has come close to your beauty.” The Prince slid off his horse, ignoring the dirty looks both the girl and deer tossed him. Taking up the pace he began walking along side her then paused. “Oh, here, let me help you.” He said and bent down to pick up the stir stick she had dropped. Placing it in her pocket he continued along beside her. “So, the way this goes I ask you a few questions and if you fit what I need you will become my bride and the future Queen.”
“Well,” the girl said, breathing hard under the weight of the struggling deer. “First off, I’m married to an ogre, so I don’t think I much can be your bride. Second, if I don’t get home and dinner on the table before he gets back from terrorizing the local villages all hell will break lose.”
The Prince ignored the girl’s comment. “See, first, as beautiful as you are I think we shall have beautiful children and every Prince needs to have beautiful children. It’s part of the requirements to being royalty. No Prince or Princess can be ugly, fat or have body odor.”
The girl rolled her eyes and continued on her way, trying to block out the droning prattle the Prince made, before jumping in fright as several cherubs appeared over the Prince, dropping rose petals before him. The Prince continued on as if nothing happened.
“Now, first question. You are a girl, yes.”
She tossed his a dirty look.
“Of course you are,” he laughed, his voice rich and deep. “Second question, you are beautiful, yes?”
The girl let out a sigh and balled up her first, punching the deer a couple of times after he tried to bite her shoulder. Once the beast was dazed she grabbed its feet and tugged it along behind her, the Prince walking close beside.
“Well, that one’s a given. You are absolutely breathtaking.” He winked at her. “Third question. Do you have an allergy to apples, own glass slippers, have unusual hair growth or are a narcoleptic?”
She ignored him, kicking a chipmunk out of the path as it tried to cross in front of her. The chipmunk let out a loud squeal as it flew through the air, the sound ending abruptly as the tiny furry body hit a nearby tree. With a satisfied grunt the girl continued on her way, wishing it could have been the annoying Prince.
“Well, I’ll assume the answer is no,” The Prince said as tiny fairies dances around his head, tossing glitter onto his already perfectly frosted blonde hair to make it glisten and glow in the fadining light.
The girl swore again, realizing it was getting dark and quickened her pace. So hope my husband doesn’t get home early, she thought and luck was with her for in the distance she spotted the dark opening of the cave she and the ogre shared.
“Well, since you are the perfect candidate for the position of my bride I need to take you home to mummy.” The Prince snapped his fingers and his stallion bowed down gracefully before him, head lowered, one leg straightened and waited until the Prince climbed on his back before he stood back up.
The girl ignored him and continued trudging through the woods. By this time the deer began returning to consciousness and bleated in agony, crying for help from anyone willing to save it.
The Prince noticed the girl was ignoring him and frowned, marring his perfect brow and trotted his stallion in front of the girl to block her from continuing on. The girl glared at him, shoved his horse and moved around him. In the distance she could hear the bellowing of her husband, announcing that yes, he was off work early. Apparently the other ogres decided to go home early and the bars must be closed too so she had better hurry because he did not seem happy.
Hearing the ogre’s roar of irritation the Prince perked up, thinking this must be the perfect way to impress the girl of his heroics and manliness. Pulling his sword from his scabbed he turned his horse to the darkening woods and trotted his horse in.
“Stay here, dear maiden, and I shall protect you from the monster that approaches.
With a deeper sigh, the girl shook her head and continued on her way, making it to the cave with a little time on her hands. After struggling to get the deer on the table she grabbed a wooden mallet off the kitchen counter and moved back to bonk the deer on the head, knocking it out, then headed to the beer barrel and poured a trencher of grog for her ogre husband to quench his thirst after a long day of terrorizing.
When her husband did not appear within a few minutes she headed out of the cave and headed in the direction her ogre had been coming from. Reaching her ears was the clang of metal, the angry cursing of her ogre husband and the ‘ching, ching’ of the Prince’s perfectly straight, brilliantly white teeth each time he smiled.
Quickening her step she made her way to the noise and came upon a small clearing, seeing the ogre jumping up and down, holding his foot and glaring at the Prince, as the Prince stood on the ground, sword in hand, boasting how he would defeat the monster and save the fair maiden.
The girl rolled her eyes, trudged up to the Prince and hit him on the back of his head with the mallet. Down went the Prince, a huge goose egg already swelling on the back of his head and he fell into a boneless form onto the forest floor. The girl looked at the ogre, seeing the look of pain on her husband’s face and the blood pouring from a wound on her ogre’s foot.
“Oh, poor baby.” She said, giving the Prince a swift kick in the side before stepping over him and moved to her husband. “Did that mean man hurt you?”
“Grr.” Said the ogre then seeing the look of sympathy on the girl’s face, then he pouted, blinking his eyes for he loved when the girl babied him. “He cut off my toe.” He complained, showing her his foot with its missing digit and then pointing the wiggling toe on the ground.
“Well, I’ll just sew it back on,” she said, stopping to bend and pick it up, tucking it in her pocket before going to help her husband limp back to their cave. As they passed the Prince she reached down and snagged his perfectly polished boot and began dragging him back to the cave with them.
“What are we having for dinner?” The ogre asked.
“Venison,” the girl smiled up at her ogre, pushing her brown hair out of her face and smiled, showing her own perfectly straight white teeth.
“Oh, yes. I love venison.” The ogre smiled back, flashing a mouth full of crooked, missing and rotten teeth.
“And sweetie,” she said, brushing the dirt off her skirt, “I have desert for you.” She motioned to the Prince she dragged behind her.
The ogre stopped, causing the girl to stop, and gave her a hug, cracking a few of her ribs in the process. The girl winched at the pain but held her tongue.
“You are so wonderful to me.” He said before pressing a wet, messy kiss to her forehead.
Her smile brightened, then before she could continue back to the cave the ogre took the Prince from her, tossing his limp body over his shoulder and put a large arm over the girl’s shoulder as they headed back to the cave.
Reaching it he tossed the Prince in the corner and waited until the girl trussed the Prince up before he took his seat at the table, drooling over the sight of the deer bound in tooth floss and the trencher of grog sitting next to it. The girl sat on the spare chair and took his hand, warning him with a glance not to eat just yet.
“We need to say grace first,” she said. They closed their eyes and bowed their heads.
“Dear Lord, thank you for this bounty you set before us today and let it nourish our bodies. Amen.”
They opened their eyes and just as the ogre reached for the deer the Prince became conscious. His eyes widened for a moment as he took in the sight of the ogre reaching for the deer and the fair, beautiful maiden sitting next to him.
“Oh dear,” he said, knowing mummy won’t be happy.